


just don't let me (forget you)

by ravbin



Category: VIXX
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, Multi, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6909847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravbin/pseuds/ravbin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hadn't quite realized the extent of his feelings when it came to Jaewhan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Love was something Wonshik hadn't given much more than a passing thought until recently. It had just been that elusive thing people talked about, and most media seemed to center around. Love had been something foreign and strange to him. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t thought that he was in love with Jaehwan. 

Yes, he had acknowledged that his thoughts seemed to center around the other man, more than any of the other members of VIXX, but still- that hadn't meant that he was in love. Had a crush, maybe, but not in love. Because Wonshik had crushes all of the time. In this line of work there really wasn’t time for actual relationships. So over the past few years he had settled for having crushes. None of them had ever led to anything other than meaningless physical contact.

All of them had just simply been crushes. Maybe that’s why he had assumed that his feelings for Jaehwan only went so deep. Not far enough to be painful for Wonshik in the end.

He had told himself, that he didn’t think about Jaehwan that much (maybe just a little more than normal) It was a crush, and the way his thoughts lingered on things like the pleasant curve of Jaewhan's waist and pillowed lips, was completely reasonable. 

Wonshik remembered clearly the first time he met Jaewhan. The other boy had been a bit much to handle. He had been (still was) insatiable and seemed to have an endless supply of energy. A mood maker, who always had some comment, for whatever situation they were in.

Wonshik had taken one look at Jaehwan and thought- if he could just find it - there would be the perfect word to describe him.

Soon after VIXX was formed, he found the word. Spending that night saying cute, cute, cute, over and over in his head - just to try it out.

The first time he called Jaehwan cute, Wonshik had promptly gotten a smack on the side of his head. Though he persisted, and soon it became the norm. Now he wasn't sure if he could go a day without calling Jaehwan cute.

Really it had become a problem (even if Wonshik was 99.9 percent sure Jaehwan loved it). The boy had even taken to calling, and intoducing himself as the cute member.

All of these things probably should have provided Wonshik with the first clue, that maybe his feeling went a little deeper than he had first assumed. Then he might have been able to prevent what was happening now, stopped it before it got out of hand. Though, he knew as his hand clutched the cold sides of the toilet, that it was too late for him.

The petals floating in the water mocked him. Their soft yellow coloring and beauty, holding a morbid promise.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry- a bit late (but isn't it always with me) anyways finals have been 'fun', but school ends tomorrow so yessss.

The first time he had thrown up petals, was exactly two weeks ago. He’d thought that he had been coming down with something, a cold maybe. Though, he had never had symptoms quite like these. Weight pressed into his chest, making it hard to breath. Also causing him to feel the need to cough constantly. During a particularly violent fit of coughing, Wonshik had thrown up his first petal. Silky, yellow and beautiful. At first, he hadn’t realized what it meant. Although at the time, he did recognize that it was extremely strange to be throwing up flower petals. 

That night, after schedules, he had done some research. Had learned about hanakai disease and what it meant. What it meant had hurt, like a kick to the stomach. 

He was in love. 

Though he wasn’t quite sure if he had even realized it himself until he started throwing up petals.

They were tulips petals, yellow tulips to be exact. After another quick search, Wonshik learned what they meant: hopeless love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be two new chapters in the next few days! I already have them written!

It was in October, that he first met her. An October, several years ago, a little while after VIXX had debuted. 

 

Jaehwan had introduced her as a close friend. At the time, Wonshik really hadn't thought much about it. Except that the girl -Heeyeon- was very nice, beautiful too. 

 

None of them were extremely close at the time, being so fresh off the press, just having debuted. They were still unsure, insecure, with ink that hadn't quite dried yet. Ready to be smudged by one misplaced word or action. All of them on edge, wanting to please the fans, gain new ones, and ultimately succeed. 

 

A year later, the ink finally dried. Cementing them as being something, and having achieved something. 

 

Consequently, that year was the second time he had to interact with Heeyeon. 

 

It was November this time. November when he’d realized that Jaehwan and Heeyeon’s relationship, probably went deeper than what the pair liked to project to the public. 

 

For some reason, it had bothered him. Though, he just excused the prickle of discomfort in his chest, as hurt. Hurt that Jaehwan didn't trust him enough to tell him the truth about his and Heeyeon’s relationship. 

 

Because, all of them had become closer over time. Leaving behind the constant fear of everything falling apart, and letting it become just a dull worry pushed to the back of there minds.

 

He and Jaehwan had gotten especially close. Closer to each other, than the rest of members. 

 

Three years in, and he started to have weird feelings for the other man.

 

A crush. He had called it a crush, neatly labeling it as something passing and insignificant. 

 

Crushes faded. Crushes were manageable. Crushes were all he could afford. 

 

So it wasn't a big deal that he had a crush on Jaehwan. He’d had a crush on the stylist noona last year. He’d had a lot of crushes.

 

None of them ever led anywhere that really meant anything. Yes, he’d dated, but he’d never been in love. Not in the way his parent were, or the couples in the dramas his sister liked to watch. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

For a few weeks the amount of petals he threw up on a daily basis stayed at a manageable amount. He had quickly developed a routine. Hiding the petals wasn’t easy, but it hadn’t become impossible yet. He’d taken to wearing hoodies everywhere, so he could stuff petals into the pockets. So far, he’d hidden everything fairly well, not raising any red flags which could alert the rest of the members. The only noticeable difference in his usual habits, was the increasingly frequent trips to the bathroom. But those could be excused as other things.

 

Soon, however, he knew that hiding his condition would be impossible. 

 

There was only one rational option.

 

Leaving the feeling behind would be difficult. Yes, it would save his life, but he couldn’t imagine a life that didn’t include loving Jaehwan. Though, recently, it seemed to be the only option. Either he got the flower removed, or - he died. Neither of those thing seemed exactly pleasant to him. 

 

It startled him a little bit, that he was having difficulty choosing between living and loving Jaehwan. 

 

The surgery was probably his best bet. 

 

It was his only bet, really, if he wanted to see next year, or even next month. 

 

Why was it so difficult then, to make the decision? It wasn’t even a decision. Yet Wonshik found himself remaining silent. 

 

__

 

They had won. After all of the effort, sweat, lack of sleep and long practices; they had won. It felt amazing to be honest. Filling Wonshik up with a warm feeling and excitement. He was proud of them all. 

 

Apparently they (and everyone else) was proud of them as well. So they ended up in a nice restaurant, talking loudly and sipping alcoholic drinks. 

 

Taking a sip from his, Wonshik smiled. Listening to the chatter of his fellow members, along with the staff, managers and producers. 

 

For the first time in a while, he felt good. 

 

__

 

It was to loud. All of the voices, the laughter, and even the sound of the collective breathing. It was all so loud, producing a head splitting headache, which had Wonshik fighting back hot tears. Their was a horrible pressure behind his eyes, worse than any hangover, or headache he’d ever had. 

 

Wonshik didn’t cry easily. Though, it seemed like in a few moments, he wouldn’t be able to help it. He needed to leave. 

 

Feigning (well it was actually less feigning and more reality), he excused himself to the bathroom. Getting concerned glances from the other members. When he reached the bathroom, he practically ran into a stall, locking it. Letting his palms rest on the wall. 

 

Stinging tears, were now running freely down his face. Though the pain was bad enough, that he couldn't bring himself to care. 

 

A knock on the stall startled him, through the haze of pain. 

 

“Wonshik, hyung?”

 

“I’m fine... “ He started to say, but his voice cracked, betraying him. 

 

“I will crawl under the door, if you don’t let me in.”

Hesitantly, Wonshik unlocked the door. Hongbin’s face took on an expression he had never seen before. A s he looked at Wonshik. Another especially sharp pain, pounded behind Wonshik eyes. A moment later he found himself being supported by Hongbin. 

 

“Hyung...do you need to go to a hospital?”

Wonshik made his best effort to shake his head no. Hongbin wasn’t having it. 

 

“I’m going to text the others, and get you help.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly so proud to be a part of this fandom right now ^_^  
> #JusticeForVixx  
> Check it out if you haven't seen it yet!

In the end it wasn’t his choice. It was Hongbin who had him taken to the hospital, with all of the members in tow. An hour passed, and he found himself sitting at the edge of the kind of bed you only found in a hospital. To add to the experience, he was also dressed in one of those ridiculous gowns (feeling breezes in uncomfortable places). A nurse had already examined him at this point. She had promised the doctor would see him soon, but Wonshik found himself with some time.  
Which really wasn’t a good thing. It let the panic settled in, made his mind flip through excuses and explanations at a breakneck speed. Shit, shit, shit, fuck. He was most likely fucked. 

“Kim Wonshik?” 

Well, the doctor was finally here, at least. 

“I’m him.”

 

“Well, I’m Dr. Lee, and I’m going to need to ask you a few questions. You came here because of a migraine, is what I have gathered thus far, but simply put… you have much more severe medical concerns. Simply put, you have been diagnosed with Hanahaki Disease.”

“I’m aware. Is that what caused the migraine?”

“It’s very possible. The migraine was caused by severe exhaustion, and considering your position as an idol, exhaustion is common, but what triggered such a bad reaction was most likely the severe mental and physical stress from the disease.”

“I don’t want any treatment.” 

“That is your prerogative at the moment, but it wouldn’t be wise to forgo treatment. Hanahaki results in death, but I’m sure you are aware of that.”

“I can leave?” 

“After the nurse comes back, yes. She will dismiss you.”

___

Hakyeon stood at the foot of his bed, while the others surrounded the sides. All of them wore similarly concerned expressions. Even though the doctor had filled them in on why Wonshik had suffered from such an extreme headache. 

Though, the way Hongbin was looking at him, made Wonshik think he didn’t quite believe that was the only thing wrong. Hongbin had always been much to perspective, more than all of the other members combined.

 

___

Jaehwan lingered behind, as the others slowly left. 

“Are you sure you're okay?” He asked genuinely concerned, the corners of his pillowed lips, drawn down into a frown. 

Wonshik felt like crying or screaming. Either one was good. But he did neither, simply answering Jaehwan’s question with a soft yeah. 

“Okay.” Jaehwan bit one of his fingernails. “But don’t overwork yourself like this again. You scared us all.”

“I know, and I won’t.”

Jaehwan cast him one last glance as he walked out of the room. The click of the door closing sounding loudly in the room. Wonshik could feel the petals catching in his throat, and had to lean over the side of the cot, as he coughed up more than he bothered to count. 

___

Two days after his visit to the hospital, Hongbin cornered him. A serious expression on his normally relaxed features. Wonshik was lying on his bed, large headphones covering his ears. Hongbin stood in the door frame, waiting for Wonshik to acknowledge him. 

Removing the headphones from his ears hesitantly, Wonshik looked up to meet Hongbin's eyes. 

“So, what’s actually going on? We’ve been under this amount of stress before because of the group- maybe even more, but you’ve never gone to the hospital because of it. So... I’m not quite ready to believe that that’s all this it.”

“There is no this, and I’m fine now.”

A frustrated expression twisted Hongbin's features. 

“Don’t… just, don’t brush this off. Okay? I know that a headache isn’t all this is. I've known for a while, and I don’t appreciate you lying to me. Stop acting like this.”

When Wonshik didn’t answer, Hongbin's expression went from frustrated to absolutely livid. 

“Wonshik I know you're fucking coughing up petals!”

Silence rang through the room after Hongbin’s too loud exclamation. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

 

Hongbin looked at the other man for a second, expression softening as he saw the raw despair in Wonshik’s eyes. He didn’t know what to say, so instead, he sat down next to him. 

“I know what I should do, though.”

“But you don’t want to do it?”

“No.”

“You'll die. Wonshik, I know I can't tell you what to do, but I… I don't want you to die. I don't even want to think about that. I'd miss you. All of us would, okay? You know that, don't you?”

“You are right. You are. I know.”

“I’ll help you through this” Hongbin said softly. “You can’t ignore this anymore. I won’t tell the others just yet, but you have to do something.”

“I will.”  
“Who is it?”

Wonshik froze at the question, he knew it had been coming, but he still felt his heart rate elevate. 

“I”, he stuttered out. “It’s.”

“You don’t have to tell me right now. We can talk about this later.” 

Wonshik nodded trying to push back the petals making their way up into his throat, back down. It was no use, and a second later he sprinted to the bathroom. When he was done, he stood heaving. 

The toilet now contained more than a dozen petals, floating silently in the water. 

Hongbin stood in the door frame, his eyes wide and mouth drawn into a grimace. 

Wonshik had the urge to cry. Everything felt so entirely out of his control. The last thing he wanted to do was break down in the middle of the bathroom, while Hongbin watched. It was embarrassing enough to let anyone at all see him in this state. He wanted to tell the other man to leave

Footsteps sounded in the hallway. They both whipped their heads around. Hongbin was quick to act and slammed the bathroom door shut, clicking the lock into place. 

A knock sounded a few seconds later. 

“Are you almost done in there? I need to shower”, came Hakyeon's voice. 

They both froze.

“I’ll be out in ten. I was just about to take a shower myself.” Hongbin lied while turning on the water. 

“It better be ten minutes”, commanded the man on the other side of the door, before retreating footsteps could be heard. 

Wonshik looked over at Hongbin. 

“Get out of here before he sees you. I actually have to shower now, or he’ll be pissed. Don’t worry I’ll clean up.”

“Thanks”, Wonshik said as he closed the bathroom door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feedback are always appreciated.


End file.
